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Kings of Leon-Revelry

I feel like that song.

I don´t mean the lyrics but the mood of the melody.

I´m again at the point of being slightly resignated.

It seems like my love doens´t share the same affection for me like I do for him.

He´s maling excuses for not seeing me.

I should be thinking that he deserves a little bit rest, but I can´t because the way he looks at me changed, the way he treats me changed, and he doesn´t pay any attention to me anymore.

Maybe it´s all a mess inside my ill brain that wants pain but I told myself that I will listen to my heart, but since I dunno when I can´t feel it at hurts.

And I hoped that it would get better but, thats not the way things work out in my world.

I don´t want this. I don´t want to hurt no more, i don´t want to look at you and feel that you feel cold, i don´t want to think "ok this was it  right!?", i don´t wantr you to say "i love you" when I don´t feel it.

You know tomorrow would have been very precious to me, watching togeather with you the fireworks, because I remember me standing alone there 2 years ago, crying because I was alone, and I really looked forward to us watching it together this year... but it seems like I´m the only one who feels that way also I will be the only one standing there once again...alone, and I don´t even have our necklace anymore because I left it at your place....I just don´t know where I went wrong..




12.6.09 20:46


Let me brag out loud "I love you"

This could be normal temperature but your chest is feeling hot even when you’re laying still It doesn’t matter to you if it’s hot or cold as long as it’s healthy for you But it’s different for me just one word or look from you can heat me up or cool me down two extremities that come and go You’re always acting so cool but I’m too complex to be so quiet If simple things make me upset it’s because I don’t realize the reason for it I feel like I wanna love you, wanna love you this love, it has no boundaries I want to convey, convey these feelings to you, and bragging about them would be just fine with me I’m fragile like the shell of an egg Whenever you say something I devide it in little pieces and examine it And no, I don’t think that’s weird at all I would rather wander around your earth than fly around in someone else’s sky In a plot of fertile land, my flower will grow I love, of I love your beauty and it’s just for me, for me to look at I want to convey, convey these feelings to you, and bragging about them would be just fine with me Forever and ever, I want to satisfy, just you, just you I want to convey, convey this so that you can know, let me brag and say “I love you”
28.5.09 22:53


1. Did you just wake up?

2. Who's car were you in last?
the car of a classmates mom.

3. When is the next time you will kiss someone?

I guess the day after tomorrow.

4. What color shirt are you wearing?

5. How long is your hair?

8. Last movie you watched?

9. Last thing you ate?

10. Last thing you drank?
Orange juice

13. Are you happy right now?
In generall YES but know I'm a bit sleepy.

14. What did you say last?
ok, goodbye.

15. Where is your phone?
I guess in my bag.

16. What was the last museum you went to?
uh...good question....I guess the Dali Museum in Spain.

17. What color are your eyes?

19. How was your weekend?

20. When was the last time you had your heart broken?
A year ago.

21. Who do you hate/dislike currently?
no one in particular

22. What are you listening to?
thunder by boys like girls

23. Are you excited?
about what?

24. What are your favorite stores?

25. What day is it today?

26. What were you doing at midnight last night?
lying next to my love XD

30. Are you left-handed?

32. What's for dinner tonight?

33. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

34. When is your birthday?
22 january

35. Do you like sunny or snowy days?
sunny but not too hot.

36. Who was the last person to send you an instant message?
a friend

37. When is the last time you were in a swimming pool?
uh....long ago.

38. Where was the last place you went shopping?

39. Who made you laugh today?
he did.

40. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
not really expensive.

41. AIM or MSN?

42. Where do your 1st cousins live?
I don't know where he is to be honest

43. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
 a brother and a sister

44. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled?
not at all.

45. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up?

46. Do you drink beer?

40. Myspace or Facebook?

48. Do you have T-Mobile?
i dunno.

49. What is your favorite subject in school?
art and philosophy

50. Do you smile a lot?
i guess when he's around I do.

51. Do you have any talents?
singing, drawing, talking nonesense.

53. Do you have any children?

67. Last time you cried?
out of happyness.

68. Last time you were sick?
uhm around new year

69. Do you like anyone right now?

70. Do you think anyone will repost this?
i dunno

SO FAR IN 2008:

1. Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships?

2. Have you had your birthday?

3. Been to church?
no never been, only for funerals.

4. Cried yet?
yes i cryed a lot.

5. Been drunk?

6. Pulled an all nighter?

7. Drank Starbucks?

8. Went shopping?

9. Been camping?
 nah, i hate camping

10. Been to the beach?
yes in summervacation

11. Bought something for over $200?

12. Met someone?

13. Been out of the province?

14. Gone Snowboarding?

1. Hugged someone?
 yes but no one i truely loved (exapt family)

2. Slept in someone else's bed?
3. Snuck out of your own house?
4. Gotten drunk?
5. Gotten a ticket?
6. Gotten a car?
10. Done something you regret?
propably I forgot.

1. Last Thing you bought?
chewing gum, shampoo

2. Last Person you hugged?
my mom
3. Last Person to call you?
my dad

4. Last time you felt stupid?
5. Last person you saw?
my parents
6. What did you do today?

sleep, wake up, smile, eat, sex, chillin, drawing, walking, eat, bycycle, writing

1. Hometown?
I don't have a hometown as such.

2. Natural hair color?

3. Moustache:
nope XD
4. Hair style:
short, with  longer parts in the front
5. Eye color:
6. Height:
1,67 m
7. Pets:
ain't got any
8. Mood:
kinda sleepy
9. Kidneys:
still got both.


01. Have you ever been in love:
02. Do you believe in love:
03. Have you ever been heartbroken?
yes long enough
04. Have you ever broken someone's heart:
yes, and I hated it.
05. Have you ever fallen for a friend?
06. Have you ever loved someone but never told them?:
no (exapt some crushes)
07. Are you afraid of commitment?
no, I wanna have something contstant once in my life.
08. Are you single or taken?
09. Have you ever cheated on a significant other?
10. Have you ever wanted someone but known that you couldn't have them?

01. Love or lust:
i guess both.
02. Beer or liquor?
03. Night or day:
04. One night stands or relationships?
05. TV or internet:
06. Pepsi or Coke:
07. Wild night out or romantic night in:
08. Black or white:
09. Quality or Quantity:
10. Hot dish or casserole:

01. Are you missing someone right now?:
02. Are you happy?
yes i am.
03. Are you talking to anyone right now?
04. Are you eating:
05. Are you german:
I am a human that unwillingly lives in germany.
06. Are you Irish:
07. Are you French:
08. Are you Italian:
09. Are your parents still married?
10. Do you like someone right now:
24.5.09 22:09

It's the 19 May 2009.....

....I am in a really strange mood. I remember the last time we kissed. It's painfull to let you go everytime, even If I know that we won't actually part. Our minds and hearts are connected. But still it's painfull, when I have to abstain your warmth.

Yesterday we looked at eathother in the dark, but I could see you, while I felt your warmth around me. 

Almost painfully my heart ached, seeing you with your eyes on mine and teling me so much more than I've ever hoped for.

I love you, slipped out of my mouth painfully. Painfully because it's the complete truth and also because ever these words are not powerfull enough to express my feelings. I've never been good with words, bu you understand me anyhow.

I just love watching you sleep, your eyes with these long eyeslashes closed, your silent breath and your arms searching for me when I move.

Sometimes I just wake up and you look at me, a smile and a kiss on my forehead.

Our story is so unbelieveable that I still can't trsut my eyes when I see you.

2-3- month ago I stared at you from the distanz, and thinking that you'll stay as far away from me.

The first time you looked at me, my heart stopped, I pointed at my self with my pinky because I was unsure if you ment me. You laughed because of the pinkypointing buisness. Your eyes were so beautiful. Your smile also. 

After that my heart finally really knew what to do and my head decided to write down my phone number.

On the same evening you wrote me. on the same night we wrote for 4 hours. And after that I knew that I've found you. You the one I've cursed because I couldn't find you, the one I've cryed for because I was lonely, the one I've loved before I knew where you were. 

It's still unbelieveable. It's like we've lived for eathother all the years to collect experience and to know lonelyness to be perfect foreachother.
You had to return from Canada to be found by me. No wonder I had the feeling that you couln't be found anywhere here.


Now your part of my little world, you came in changed it and made it lifeworthy again. Thanl you me love.

19.5.09 14:13

For the Days I will Remember..

I'm sitting here.

Listing to Dallas singing silently, the song that reminds me of the day it all began.

I can't seem to remember how I was before the day called "welcome back, flower".

I guess I was lonely, unloved, selfdestructive, illminded, and sad.

I was always thinking "where are you?". My heart  knew who you were but my head could figure where you were.

And in the end I couldn't find you because you went away, unreachable for me.

I guess thats the reason why I'm feeling like the sky came a bit nearer now.


Aitai.Aitai...thats what I'm thinking.

'cause I wouldn't give you up, for anything, because your the only one in this whole world who understands me, who is fine when I'm just myself, who isn't afraid to let sadness go when I'm around, who takes my hand while people are around, even If you don't like it, when I'm afraid of something, who lookes at me and I know that you love me, who makes me cry out of Happieness, who heals my heart slowly with only your smiles, who makes me think that your the most beautiful thing that exists in my world in everyway I can think about.


I'm tierd of running, but If it's for you I'll do it, my love.

13.4.09 11:37

hi there fuck you

I´m having an serious crisis once again.

I feel awful, ugly,lonely, painfull, and unloved and I could cry but I won´t.

I don´t know whats wrong with me. I could just through up.

I just want to give everything up, give up singing, give up all my gigs, give up myself, give up wanting to find someone that might like me for who I am, and give up feeling bad about myself.

I just feel awfull because I toss away the people I loved or the people who like me but I don´t like.

I guess thats what you get for doing that. Emotional Isolation.
And my sis says it´s because people think I´m arrogant even if they don´t know me, that I look to distant and that people don´t want to talk to me because theire to afraid of my "arroganzy" and my distant way.

 Fuck it.

It´s destiny you know!?

I get the feeling that she was the one I really loved, I really did believe me but I don´t know why it doesn´t work for me....maybe because I´m jealsouy because she sings to? maybe because I don´t feel comfortable with being the "man-like" one in a relationship? maybe because our charakters don´t really fit togeather maybe because I feel guilty? I think all of them are kinda true but in the end I just feel fucked up with all of it.

I hate myself feeling like something else while hanging out with girls, I hate looking at them and tyring to be sexy in a "manly" way and suddely realising that. I hate myself for not feeling like a female should feel.

I hate it to think that I can´t enter a dessous store without feeling like a little boy seeing something forbidden. I hate it knowing that my apperiance won´t fit when I´m going out with a girl cause other people will say assaulting things like they did when I had that wonderfull summer with her.

I also hate that I´m trying to be more female-like with my clothing, grwoing my hair back long, wearing cute accessories, and trying to act nice and cute infront of guys I think that are goodlooking, I hate it cause it also feels not good , it feels like it´s not me at all.....I don´t know which part I am.

i want guys to like me, to tell me that I´m pretty and gracefull like some guys already do but non of these guys ever appeal to me ! WHY? and on the other hand guys I like always push me away like the longes love Iß´ve had was the painfullest, the guy that was really cute I met at a party rejected me on the next morning (why was I hoping anyway?) and the last guy I took interest in fell in love with someone else......thats how my life goes on currently and I jszt want to vomit it all out. all my insecuritys. all my painfull feelings I´ve only had in the last 2 years. I´m 17 now, someone sayd me I´m "wasting my youth" !

I fucking now that! dammit! but what can I do? I´m trying to reach you!You out there! don´t you see me? shall i even go to an other place to find you at least? why are you making it so hard for me? for me the one you should love someday! screw you bastard for putting me in so much pain!

But what if I´m like the girl in the story my friend told me today?

I´m always reinkarnating because in every single life I´ve lived I wasn´t able to find love to I just died and was born again to die again with out finding my love and that continues several 100 years, and life after life I´m getting more emtpy....what if I´m like that?

I hate it I hate it I just hate it. 

I´m so paradox .


Screw it.

23.3.09 20:43

Dear Mr., Dear Ms.........

Once again.

I seem to just simple fail once again.

I don't expect everybody to think that I'm miss universe but it seems to me that I can try as hard as I can but still nobody thinks I'm attractive enough or worth enough to pay attention to.

Especially people I would like to be attractive to.

But instead of that things could simple just work out for me jut once, I'm beingkind of ignored in a certain way and the attention is for someone else.


shit it's quite frustrating but what can I do...nothing .

there are things I can't handle........shit really shit.

22.2.09 05:49

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