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hi there fuck you

I´m having an serious crisis once again.

I feel awful, ugly,lonely, painfull, and unloved and I could cry but I won´t.

I don´t know whats wrong with me. I could just through up.

I just want to give everything up, give up singing, give up all my gigs, give up myself, give up wanting to find someone that might like me for who I am, and give up feeling bad about myself.

I just feel awfull because I toss away the people I loved or the people who like me but I don´t like.

I guess thats what you get for doing that. Emotional Isolation.
And my sis says it´s because people think I´m arrogant even if they don´t know me, that I look to distant and that people don´t want to talk to me because theire to afraid of my "arroganzy" and my distant way.

 Fuck it.

It´s destiny you know!?

I get the feeling that she was the one I really loved, I really did believe me but I don´t know why it doesn´t work for me....maybe because I´m jealsouy because she sings to? maybe because I don´t feel comfortable with being the "man-like" one in a relationship? maybe because our charakters don´t really fit togeather maybe because I feel guilty? I think all of them are kinda true but in the end I just feel fucked up with all of it.

I hate myself feeling like something else while hanging out with girls, I hate looking at them and tyring to be sexy in a "manly" way and suddely realising that. I hate myself for not feeling like a female should feel.

I hate it to think that I can´t enter a dessous store without feeling like a little boy seeing something forbidden. I hate it knowing that my apperiance won´t fit when I´m going out with a girl cause other people will say assaulting things like they did when I had that wonderfull summer with her.

I also hate that I´m trying to be more female-like with my clothing, grwoing my hair back long, wearing cute accessories, and trying to act nice and cute infront of guys I think that are goodlooking, I hate it cause it also feels not good , it feels like it´s not me at all.....I don´t know which part I am.

i want guys to like me, to tell me that I´m pretty and gracefull like some guys already do but non of these guys ever appeal to me ! WHY? and on the other hand guys I like always push me away like the longes love Iß´ve had was the painfullest, the guy that was really cute I met at a party rejected me on the next morning (why was I hoping anyway?) and the last guy I took interest in fell in love with someone else......thats how my life goes on currently and I jszt want to vomit it all out. all my insecuritys. all my painfull feelings I´ve only had in the last 2 years. I´m 17 now, someone sayd me I´m "wasting my youth" !

I fucking now that! dammit! but what can I do? I´m trying to reach you!You out there! don´t you see me? shall i even go to an other place to find you at least? why are you making it so hard for me? for me the one you should love someday! screw you bastard for putting me in so much pain!

But what if I´m like the girl in the story my friend told me today?

I´m always reinkarnating because in every single life I´ve lived I wasn´t able to find love to I just died and was born again to die again with out finding my love and that continues several 100 years, and life after life I´m getting more emtpy....what if I´m like that?

I hate it I hate it I just hate it. 

I´m so paradox .


Screw it.

23.3.09 20:43


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