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Sometimes there is nothing such as friendship.

Sometimes there is nothing such as Love!

Sometimes there is nothing such as Hope.

 I´ve seen it the last months, too well....I don´t expect anyone to be my friend, I also don´t expect anyone to love me anymore.

I don´t expect a relationship with you.

I don´t expect myself to be outrageous or good.

I´m just trough with it all....sometimes.

I´m running and running and don´t seem to get anywhere.

manythings that seemed to become something good in my isn´t progressing.....



30.1.09 22:52


Do you know this feeling when a well known melodie sweeps old memories into your mind ,like a fresh new wind?

Today I felt well for the first time since ages.

I don´t know why.

maybe just looking, watching and talking with young people full of joy, only want to have fun, and with great energy to create music. That inspired me.  Also that I receved a little bit from it. I don´t think I´m destined to create music. I don´t have the intellegents or the skill to write wonderfull lyrics like my sister does. I also don´t have the luck to start something and being succsesfull with it. So I´m just hanging on to her, I´m learing only sometimes and it feels like she leaves me behind once again. But she doesn´t have to mind it.

I´m wondering whats wrong with me. I´m not talented at things I wan´t to do. I´m not attracting anybody so I feel like i can do what ever I wan´t but I´m not moving. Still sitting at the trainplatform like on that evening, watching the sky turning slightly red and seeing everyone rushing by until they disapear. 

Whats wrong with me!?

9.10.08 01:01

Gray July

I didn´t expect anything to happen.

I thought I ´d come back from barcelona and live would go on like it did before, grey and painfull like before, with the same tyring situation of minje, waiting waiting without getting anything in return.

But I was wrong.

The Moment your words reached me, the Moment when you said things, even if they are small, that confused me, because I never thought you would say them.

These things made my knee´s shake, my lips shake, my heart beating.

Usually I´m the one to chase after you but this time you asked me out on your own.

I cried and was embaressed because I reacted this way but it was like a little dream comming true.

You wan´t to talk to me.

Your putting afford in it.

I´m happy but also very confused.




And now the question about my feelings are answerd.

I´m not over you, just totaly not .

And I think its good....... 

28.7.08 21:43

Barcelona 2008 ~ Walking around with a guitar.

It was Like a dream.

It was about us all, about you and me walking next to eachother with the guitar just silently smiling.

Sitting outside in our place, singing and playing the guitar, just staring at the blue sky, me watching your fingers slide over the guitar strings, the guitar strings that used to be so familiar to me but now there not.

After I closed the hardcase yesterday, and locked it I cried because I thought I would never here you play again.

But after you came up to me just apologized I was so confused but happy.

Now i opend the hardcase with a smile and a tear in my eye.


Loving memories ..

19.7.08 22:14

Here with me

Tomorrow you´ll be long gone by this time.

And it tears me apart by now....And I dont know what to do about it.

I could get up Tomorrow at 7 am and drive to the trainstation say goodbye..and all this just to see your face once again.

On the one hand It would look pathetic or fanatic on the other hand If I woulnd´t come he might think that my feelings won´t be sincere enough or not true enogh.

So I´m really troubled.

In my head are the unimportant lyrics which force tears in my eyes, once again 

I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me


I think sooner or later I´m going to break down.
You said you´ll call me, you wear that wristband I gave you.

You don´t call me, I´m like obsessed always staring at the phone, hoping for your call.

I don´t know If you even wear the wristband anymore.


Look. This is what you can do to me or what you can change me into.

A frustrated,obsessed girl that always carries her phone with her waiting for a call, looking outside, killling hours with just thinking of you or trying to figure out which part of the sky has the same color as you eyes.A girl who wakes up late at night, because she can´t do anything but thinking of you.The reason why she falls a sleep is because she pretends that you lie beside her,the reason she wakes up is because she´s yearning for you.

That what I am when I can´t see you, when i can´t hear you.


I can´t take it longer.


25.6.08 19:06


Summer just started.

Last night I couldn´t sleep because I was terrified of not seeing you for so long.
Am I afraid of not seeing you or of loosing feelings? Am I that inconstant?

Well tonight I was up until 3 AM.
couldn´t get sleep, And I decided to make something for him to remember me over the Summervacation.

So I thought of making a wristband for him, out of leather and I would write something on the inside for him.

So I made it until 3 AM. It isn´t very pretty or something but it really was made by heart.  In the inside i wrote "hontou wa zutto suki datta no...aishiteru!" in katakana so it woulnd´t be so obvios. I sprayed some of my parfume on it, maybe he would notice....

 I waited after school, but when I spotted him he was together with a friend, so I couldn´t gove it to him.

In the End I started to get frustrated but I didn´t want to go home again with the wristband. So I said when the bus came " lend me your wrist ".

So in the bus he outstreched his wrist, his wrist I noticed first before falling in love with him this deep, his wrist I have always loved, and I tied the band around this wrist very carefully. This moment was very akward for me, because the last time I touched his arms was about 6 month ago while this "accident" happend.....And after that I didn´t want to be touched because I was frightend to fall apart if he would, but everytime he comes near me I try to escape because I feel very confused. When I was ready tying it around his wrist the examined it and then joked around, that he would honor it..for the next 3 days. Then he declared that he always looses "friendshipwristbands" and I responded that If he would loose it I would strangle him to death..XD

In these Moment I feel very happy just being by his side and laughing, and in that Moment I looked straight in his eyes, his blue eyes which I love so much and his blue eyes, which are the reason why I look up into the sky in order to find the same blue as his eyes, And these Moments go straight in my heart because in these moment he has this special look and I could turn red in these moments....I loose it completly.

He apologized that he had nothing to give me...its ok but that would be sooo great I would cherish something he would give me like an treasur.

 Later he looked at me and asked me If he could have my cellphone number , Maybe I looked just like that -->  O___O

I wrote if down with the comment " but you don´t even call, you never do (thats a fact)".

After saying goodbye My heart was trembling out fo joy every word out of my mouth was trembling. I was only laughing and smiling, and  then I noticed that this guy really is my joy or sadness.

 If the does something bad I cry all the time, if the does something good My heart amlost explodes out of love and joy.

My world revolves around him.  And only around him.


I love him even he isn´t mine. 

23.6.08 14:44


Walking in Flip-Flops while summerrain is pattering down on me and dreching my cloth and my soul.

But i love it. 

23.6.08 14:05

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